Solutions To Life's Difficulties

One of the services we offer is online coaching via email. The following conversation is with a 22 year old woman who recently experienced a difficult break-up with her boyfriend. She comes from a religious background, and so we have tailored our advice according to her situation. We recognize that each situation is different and thus our approach to resolving problems in people's lives changes to best suit the individual involved. Fortunately, we were able to walk 'Sarah' through to resolution in a matter of 7 or 8 days.

Hi Joseph,
My name is Sarah. My story is probably something you have heard a million times. I am 22 years old and I just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship with my boyfriend John, well ex-boyfriend now. I have threatened committing suicide many times before but I am not sure if I was just trying to get attention or if I really thought that life was so bad that I couldn't live anymore. I am a tennis player and I attempting to play professionally. But it is hard, there is so much pressure and it is so competitive. Tennis has been my life. People tell me, including my parents that I should just quit, and find a regualr job. I can't do that, I want to play tennis and not have any regrets. If I fail at it then I can honestly say that I tried. I also played for a Division 1 college and we were #1 my senior year. the girls on the team were my best friends and I feel like I don't have that team anymore and it hurts. I miss being apart of something important. I met my boyfriend my senior year and everything seemed to fall into place. I thought i found the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But there were small things I should of noticed. Our beliefs were very different. I consider myself to be a strong Christian, and so does he. But he believes that if you are just a good person , that it will get you into heaven. I disagree with him and we argue. Recently during the holidays we have not been getting along. He chooses to spend time with other people. I don't mind him spending time with his friends but he feels like we are in different places in our lives right now. He told me yesterday that he can't be a boyfriend to me anymore. It just hurts sooooo bad right now. I know there are millions of people that break up and they get over it, but I am the type of person that can't get over things fast. I seem to block everything out and it boils inside of me and I just snap at the end. I am trying to pray about it but I am tired of feeling this pain and I don't think it will get better with time. I hate feeling hurt and suicide seems like the best solution. I feel selfish because of what has been happening with the world and the natural disasters. Those people did not choose to die in fact they were screaming to stay alive. I need help. I need someone to tell me what to do. I hate making decisions, so I feel suicide is best for me. Please let me know any way to make it through this time.

>I have threatened committing suicide many times
Please take your problem seriously.

>I am a tennis player and I attempting to play professionally.
Great!

>But it is hard, there is so much pressure and it is so competitive.
When you have God's peace you can stand up to any pressure easily.

>People tell me, including my parents that I should just quit, and find a regualr job.
Don't let people discourage you, but at the same time don't put off responsibility to meet your everyday needs.

>and find a regualr job. I can't do that,
When you say "I can't do that.", I term that as a 'lie'. When you choose to believe a lie, you invite hardship and anxiety in your life. When you believe the truth, it sets you free. Have you ever read John 10:10? It says, "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make set you free." The truth is with God's peace you can do all things. Throughout your life you will have opportunities to be tempted to believe lies. Lies take your peace away. And this is one of them.

> I want to play tennis and not have any regrets. If I fail at it then I can honestly say that I tried.
If you are able to do it financially then go for it! Keeping in mind however that a good life is a 'balanced' life. Happiness is connected to a well planned life.

> the girls on the team were my best friends and I feel like I don't have that team anymore and it hurts. I miss being apart of something important.
Could it be your personal insecurities cause you to 'need' this exhilarating lifestyle?

>But there were small things I should of noticed. Our beliefs were very different. He told me yesterday that he can't be a boyfriend to me anymore.
You have realized now that this was not a 'small' thing. Could it be your boyfriend was not truly on the same level of spirituality as you? Similar religious belief's is important to enjoying a good dating or marriage relationship.

> It just hurts sooooo bad right now.
That is a normal reaction. But if it lingers on, than you have to figure out what lies are causing your anxiety. Could it be you don't believe that God can send you another fine person? Perhaps, thinking that God has spared you a lot of future pain by preventing you from marrying this person, will help you go through this time.

>but I am the type of person that can't get over things fast. I seem to block everything out and it boils inside of me and I just snap at the end.
Sounds like obsessiveness is a symptom of your anxiety. I struggle with obsessiveness at times too. But it can be disarmed so it doesn't hurt your life.

> I am trying to pray about it but I am tired of feeling this pain
Peace comes through faith. You develop your faith by meditating on the truths related to the particular lie that is causing you to feel anxiety. I can help you with that.

> I don't think it will get better with time.
Of course it can. With God all things are possible. Your faith is weak. Either it was never really strong to begin with or you allowed it to deplete over time.

> I hate feeling hurt
I've been there. It is awful.

> I feel selfish because of what has been happening with the world and the natural disasters.
It's not so much about selfishness, it's about trying to find relief from the inner pain. The truth is anyone dying in the hospitals would give anything to trade lives with you. Do you believe that?

> I hate making decisions
Happiness is based on decision making. You have two options. You can either believe the truth or you can believe a lie. The truth sets you free, the lie keeps you in turmoil.

>Please let me know any way to make it through this time.
I hope this email answers your questions. I would be pleased to work with you either by telephone or be email. There are costs involved but they are minimal.

Hi Joseph,
Thanks for your emails. They really helped me a lot. It was nice to just write and not be embarrassed of my situation. I am doing a little better. Yesterday I stayed home all day and did not change out of my pajamas. I think I slept a couple of hours. All I could think about was how people were going to be judging me when I tell them what happened to me and talking behind my back. My relatives who have met my boyfriend before loved him and will be wondering what in the world happened, and they will immediately think that I wasn't good enough for him. It bothers me that I care what other people think about me. I haven't talked to my ex-boyfriend for a couple days now, and I hate it that he doesn't even care how I am doing or he hasn't even called. In a way I just want him to call so I can talk to him, but I know that it is better if I just not talk to him for a while. I know that when he calls I will be begging him to take me back, and I know that is not healthy for me.
Sarah

>All I could think about was how people were going to be judging me when I tell them what happened to me and talking behind my back.
At first glance, being judged and talked about is not a nice thing. But as you mature you realize that it doesn't matter what people think about you. That is so freeing. The Apostle Paul said it best in Romans 8, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" The answer? Nobody. That's right, You plus God makes a majority. And it doesn't matter what anybody thinks or says about you. In fact, they are only hurting themselves by doing so. Jesus said explicitly on more than one occasion, "Judge not, lest you be judged." And on another occasion He said, "The way you judge others will be the way I judge you!" Do you see how careful we must be of judging others? To help you forget him, you can renew your commitment to God by getting into His Word, you can call up some friends and tell them you need help in forgetting this person... "So please keep me busy!". You can visit someone who is ill or in hospital, you can attend a support group and listen to others share their problems and then realize you are not alone that everybody gets down once in a while, you could offer to babysit for a mom who is ready to pull her hair out. :-) You could attend a Bible study, go to church, attend a function for college and careers aged young people. Just get out and enjoy life. As you go, thank God for being right where you are right now and ask Him to teach you things from this situation. And know that the person He has for you is likely someone who loves Him and honors Him in all that they do. Don't ever settle for 'mediocre' in a boyfriend, it can be costly as you have experienced.

>and will be wondering what in the world happened
Most people are well aware that relationships have their ups and downs, and that not all relationships last forever, especially in your age bracket. Perhaps the toughest part is realizing that your judgment of you two as a life long pair was incorrect, or though it would seem. Can you reconcile with the fact that you don't always see things accurately, and that you ought not always trust your own judgment? (Proverbs 3:5, & 6 is a good verse to keep in the foreground of your mind at all times. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, and He will make your paths straight.) Everybody needs to realize that. And know this, that people might think about you for 5 minutes or so, but then guess what? They go right back to thinking about themselves. It's a sad truth. So don't feel so bad. :-)

>and they will immediately think that I wasn't good enough for him.
The truth is he wasn't good enough for you.

>It bothers me that I care what other people think about me.
Good. At least you are aware of this character flaw. Now work at resolving it.

>I hate it that he doesn't even care how I am doing or he hasn't even called.
That is sad, but don't judge him or he will pull you into his error and cause you sadness. Don't let his misjudgment cause you to suffer. He is the one who has lost a 'jewel', not you.

Hey Joseph,
Its Sarah again. I am still hanging in there and despite still being super depressed I have been praying and asking God to help me during this difficult time. I have been researching different chuches in the area and was wondering if you knew any good ones in southern xxxxxx near the xxxxxxx area. I have gone to Calvary Chapel  and I didn't really connect with the church. The pastor was speaking very fast and didn't really have a clear cut sermon, I was a little confused.
I did something bad today, I checked my old boyfriends email and he had this email to this girl telling her how beautiful she was and when are they going to go out and then another one during the time we were going out and it was saying how he missed talking to her and couldn't wait to see her. I felt so sad but feel so stupid. I know I deserve better but I can't help but miss him . I think I just miss the fact of having someone there especially during the holidays and even when Valentines Day comes along. UGHH, I hate this time, I wish I could just erase him from my mind, and forget I was ever with him. But how can he just get over me so fast? I don't think he ever really cared about me if he is doing this to me, no phone call, no email. I know it was wrong for me to check his personal stuff but it should honestly help me get over him faster. But if he calls how should I act towards him. Should I be mean and short with him, or should I be friendly or sound sad. I am confused. My friends have been a blessing to me. They have really helped me feel better in the last few days and your emails have been a blessing to me too. My best friend is coming in from Toledo this weekend so I am excited. I have really tried to keep busy but with all this rain it is hard to get outside and do something fun. I was wondering how do I make donations and what is the fee for working with you.

Sarah

>I am still hanging in there and despite still being super depressed
Depression is caused by anxiety, and anxiety is caused by us believing the lies (of Satan) vs. the truths (of God's Word). We can troubleshoot your depression by identifying which lies your mind is focusing on. What thought patterns are swirling in your mind?

>I have been praying and asking God to help me during this difficult time.
Good work.

> I have been researching different chuches in the area and was wondering if you knew any good ones in southern xxxxxxx near the xxxxxxxx area.
Try out these churches if they are within easy commuting:

>I did something bad today, I checked my old boyfriends email.....I felt so sad but feel so stupid
I'm glad you agree that it was wrong. By allowing you to break up with your boyfriend, God is guiding you out to 'unchartered waters'. You are best to keep your hand in His and allow Him to show you His way out of this mess. A good thing to do when making decisions is asking yourself: What would Jesus Do? WWJD.

>I know I deserve better but I can't help but miss him .
This is evidence of your basic insecurities. God wants to heal that, and make you strong in that area of your life.

>I think I just miss the fact of having someone there especially during the holidays
This is understandable, we've all been their. Learn from this experience and then use it to help others down the road. This will all work out for your benefit. Do you believe that? I do.

> I wish I could just erase him from my mind, and forget I was ever with him.
Actually, God does provide a way for us to erase things from our minds, in a sense: His method is that we ought to keep His Word in the forefront of our minds. We often neglect to do this when times are good, but when times are bad it is a very helpful thing to do. Have you ever tried memorizing and constantly speaking God's Word? It really works wonders. You can do that by going to my email page ( www.peaceplusprogram.com/emailpage.htm ) and printing the 4 scripture memorization pages onto 2 pages of 8 1/2" X 11" card stock. You'll end up with five 3"x5" cards containing the top verses in the New Testament. The good news also is that you don't need to forget him. God wants to take the 'sting' out of this break-up, so you can learn from it and then keep this experience tucked away in your 'back pocket' ready to pull out at any time to help someone else. To me, that is so awesome. So let's make that our goal!

>But how can he just get over me so fast?
Guys are funny that way. Many are led not by their hearts and their wills (To love someone is an act of the will) but by a certain other part of their anatomy causing untold hurt in the lives around them. In the day and age that we live in, it is so important that you find a young man that has an honest heart for God, and a well balanced individual. Do you believe that? I do.

> I know it was wrong for me to check his personal stuff but it should honestly help me get over him faster.
Good.

>But if he calls how should I act towards him.
One day he may wake up and realize he made a mistake, but that doesn't resolve the fact that his integrity and concept of what is important and what is not important needs adjustment. Absolutely do not come across judgmental because you'll lose your peace instantly then. You can come across disappointed (if you still care about him). You can wish him good luck in his life and let him know that this whole break up has set your life on a new path toward peace and confidence. You can almost come across as thankful that it happened.

>My friends have been a blessing to me.
Good for you. Lean heavily on them! And keep pushing the care of this problem onto God's shoulders, and off of yours.

>My best friend is coming in from Georgia this weekend so I am excited.
Praise God. You are so blessed.

> I have really tried to keep busy but with all this rain it is hard to get outside and do something fun.
Ah yes, the rain. Well, know this: Even though it may be 'raining' in your heart this week, the sun will shine again and you will be stronger and brighter and more ready for life than ever, in very short order! Do you believe that? I do.

Hello Joseph,
The xxxxxxxxxx Christian church phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. The website is www.xxxxxxxxxx.org . The xxxxxxxx church of xxx's number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. A side note, my ex boyfriend called me this morning. It was actually a good conversation. He said that he didn't think I would ever call him and I said I didn't think he would ever call me. I acted like I was doing fine and I was not at all judgemental to him or acted in a any way bitter towards him. We had a regular conversation talking about how our lives were going. The whole time I was talking to him I could hear my heart beating. I missed him but I can see soooo clearly that we were never meant to be and that it would never work between us. I think God has opened my eyes and made me realize the mistakes that I was doing. I still do have bad patterns swirling in my head like how could he leave me like this and how could he be talking to other girls when he told me I was the one for him. I was talking to one of my friends last night and I was telling me how it was going to be very hard for me to trust someone again because when you think you know someone they just turn it against you and somehow hurt you. I am reluctant to get close to another person again. I am praying that God will help me to trust again and one day have that honest realtionship with someone. But most importantly I want to find someone that loves God as much as I do.
Sarah

>The whole time I was talking to him I could hear my heart beating. I missed him.... I still do have bad patterns swirling in my head like how could he leave me like this and how could he be talking to other girls when he told me I was the one for him.
Excellent! Even in the midst of your mind screaming, "He's guilty!", you maintained your composer and responded in faith and love. I give you a 10 out of 10!

>and I was almost thankful for the whole situation.
Go all the way and say, "Yes! I thank God for this!"  Indeed, 'all things do work together for good to those who loved the Lord.' (Romans 8:28)

>I had no feeling to hold his hand or kiss him
Excellent! You no longer 'need' him. You are learning to live in, and enjoy, peace and confidence.

> I don't know if that is bad because in a way I think I am hardening my feelings and emotions. I don't know if I am forcing myself to block out all these feelings.
It could be, but it isn't all bad, because you should learn to let your mind determine if what you want to do is going to help you or hurt you. If you think something is going to hurt you, don't let your emotions drive you to do something you will feel sorry for later. If you determine it is good for you, then move ahead and thank God for it as you go.

>I think in a way God is easing my pain slowly.
I'm sure He is.

>I told him that I really shouldn't. I gave no excuse but just smiled and said I was going to go.
In the dictionary, under the word 'cool', is your picture. :-) Keep it up. You're awesome.

> It was such a weight of my shoulders to actually do something like that.
It must feel liberating.

>When we were going out I would try to spend every waking moment with him
Maybe because of insecurities.

>it wasn't hard for me at all to say no to him tonight.
I share your amazement.

>I really still care about him but I know that it will only be on a friendship basis.
Perfect.

>I am trying to stay strong.
I think you are doing a swell job. Keep it up.

Hi Joseph,
Thanks for writing to me. I am doing a lot better. I am starting to train a lot and I seem to be always busy and not thinking about my past. I am just starting to look forward. I was practicing with one of my friends and he was telling me about the church that he goes to in my area, so I am definitely going to go on Sunday. He said the congregation was about 200 people and they were all around my age. He also said that they have a Bible study on wednesday nights. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot and have just felt soo much better. I feel like a new person and I think God has blessed me so much in the last few weeks. thank you so much for being there for me.

Sarah

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