Hope’s Story (2017)

My life has been hard but I now thank God for the trials in my life as I have learned how much our Father loves all of us.

This journey started 57 years ago.  I'm the oldest of 7 children and we all have different fathers.  Life was chaotic as a kid; it was filled with domestic abuse and rage.  And my mother never showed any affection or love.  The man I called, "Dad" finally moved away.  I was relieved but there was no way to be prepared for what was coming next.

I grew up Catholic.  I was sent to church to get me out of the house.  I read the Bible ferociously.  I read how God loves us and I wanted that love.  At about 9 years of age, I was sent to confession at a church that was about 3 miles from my home.  After saying confession, I asked God why did I have to tell a priest my sins and why couldn't I just tell Him my sins because that was what the Bible said.  Boom!  The church filled with light and I was on my knees.  God told me that he was real and that I was able to just talk to Him.  He then told me to put down the rosary and to not go back there again.  I was filled with awe on the walk home.  I promptly told my mother that I was never going back.  I fully expected a beating but it never came.  I then found a small Baptist church and went faithfully.  I was baptized after telling the pastor that my mother would not care.  I even managed to bring along my brother.

Then came the depression.  I was made to clean, cook, and take care of the kids while mother ran around. I tried suicide at about 10 years old.  I poured bleach and ammonia together and waited in a small bathroom for death to come.  I was going to go somewhere where I was loved.  It did not come and I was disappointed.

The beatings continued.  She would use a metal bar while I was sleeping.  I had to stay home for long periods of time while I healed.  I felt that there was no way out.  The Bible said that I had to respect her so I did. 

My mother continued to run around with men and then hooked up with a teenage friend of mine.  Then came my first sister and the 5th child.  She furnished me with drugs and alcohol.  God had his hand on me as I really did not enjoy either.  We did not have food.  I found my first job while in the 5th grade - delivering newspaper flyers.  In 6th grade, I begged to get a paper route.  I walked 10 miles a day carrying the heavy loads before school.  Sometimes the papers were so big, I had to make 2 trips.  I then found another job doing the same after school.  The money was good for a girl. I was able to buy clothes, food and pay some bills. 

We moved far away. I was devastated again.  She had a new husband and then came two more sisters.  I took her to the doctor and demanded that she get her tubes tied. I was tired. My sister was always sick and I had to take care of her.  She thought I was her mother.  If I did not do something right, I was beat.  My mother tried to kill me a few times and constantly told me that she wanted me dead.  God kept me alive.

I excelled in school and my goal was to graduate my junior year of high school.  My mom lied and told me that I had to stay in school.  So I did.  I worked 3 jobs to make money for our needs.  I met a guy who was 3 years older than me. He begged me to marry him. I did because he promised to take care of my siblings.  They all lived with us off and on over the years. So I married at 18 years of age.  Right away, he started beating me, using drugs, beating me and seeing prostitutes.  But no one knew.  I made sure that it looked good to everyone. I started going to church and my husband started going with me. He said that he became a Christian but he did not change his behaviors for many years.  We stayed married for 25 years.  I had vowed to God that I would not get divorced and had to struggle with this but at the same time, I felt free for the 1st time when we divorced.  My two girls were out on their own and doing okay.  So I fell and kept on falling while I tried to find the happiness and joy that this world will never give.

I met a man who was even worse than my husband in many ways. Again, I found someone who treated me like my mother.   But I was determined to love him enough to make it work.  I believed in that type of love but later learned what love really is in this world. That took about 6 years and at the end, I fell apart.  While we were together, we were in a very serious auto wreck and I died but came back. It took me about a year to learn to walk and talk again.  This is the 3rd time that death had me in it's grip.  The 1st time, I was 2 years of age and drowned.  I was brought back to life.  When I was newly married, I ended up in the hospital with severe pain. I stayed there for 3 months and my first baby was just 3 months old.  I ended up in the cancer ward and died during the exploratory surgery but again God kept his hand on me. 

So after the break up, I constantly cried and could not find out why. I would cry all day long and felt so alone.  I cursed God for not taking me home and leaving me here. I hit the walls and yelled. I did not have a church as both my daughter and I had been told to leave the church via a telephone call.  We had gone there since she was a little girl.  I had no one to turn to. I was desperate and just wanted to die.  I had no plans but wanted to die to escape the pain.  I found a so-called Christian man who lied to me and had me committed to a psychiatric hospital.  I knew that I was not supposed to be there as I had worked there.  I did not have a plan.  I just needed to talk to someone who would talk to me and understand.  Despite the doctor saying that I did not need to be there, the Christian man tried to have me arrested so I had to stay.  I was relieved when I found a way out of there. 

I prayed to God to send me someone I could talk to but found no one.  I was desperate and did not stop crying.  I asked God, "why", all the time.  My family thought I had left the best thing that had ever happened to me, and they did not come around.  My friends had left because of the man I was with.  Fifteen years ago, I searched for help.  I found Victory Tips; in another country - a ministry who understood and listened to me while I cried.  They prayed for me, talked to me and counselled me.  They told me that I could learn to allow God to heal my hurts and with work, I would stop feeling so sad and depressed.  They encouraged me to change my thinking.  He told he that I did not have to feel anxious or depressed. No one had told me that before and I did not like it.  But I continued to seek their counsel. They called me almost everyday for almost a year while I started healing.  They encouraged me to get back to church.  I did not want to trust anyone in church again.  I listened and found a church. I changed my thinking.  They were active in my steps to recovery as they had recovery stories. They were able to offer me what I needed to start my recovery.  The Victory Tips Program was the basis of finding the Love of God who heals all of the sorrows on this world.  I felt like God would not ever love me as I had been such a sinner.  I had to step out in faith and seek His love.  Our Lord is faithful to His Word.