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While growing up, I didn't have the ideal family. It was strict
and dysfunctional. My father had a very hot temper, especially
toward my two sisters who rebelled. My oldest brother went camping
for days at a time. Our father didn't have much to do with our
adopted brother with Cerebral Palsey. Our father didn't treat our
mother with any respect. My mother was very loving, caring and
very strict. She now can admit it and is very sorry. She raised us
as she was raised. Anyway, I became submissive. I didn't want what
the other kids were getting. My sisters, who rebelled one way or
another considered me a Miss Goody two-shoes.
At the age of seventeen, I was voted most likely to be a Nun even
though I wasn't Catholic. Every one in school knew I wouldn't put
out and that I was a Christian. It became a lonely time in my
life. I started to go out with a 19 yr. old outside of school. My
oldest sister set me up with him. During this time he seemed nice,
but was very possessive. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He
finally got what he wanted and soon after I was pregnant and we
were married. I didn't want to marry him, but that is what I had
to do. After the marriage, he became very possessive, then he went
into verbal insults, emotional abuse, physical abuse and an ever
increasing sexual abuse.
Our first child didn't consider me a parent figure. My husband and
his parents made all the decisions. I was more like her nanny.
Then came my son. I was a mother to him and it made my husband's
family very jealous. I was finally a mother. However, the abusive
behavior from my husband was intensely increasing. My mother
begged for me to leave. My husband told me if I ever left him he
would take away our children. I was afraid to leave.
I was raped by my husband pretty much on a daily basis. At times
three times a day. He would then lock me in my room, disconnect
the phone lines and leave with the kids to go to his mother's
house by saying that I was acting crazy again. I was very
submissive and tried to do what he wanted to keep the peace.
During this marriage, I had tried to kill myself many times by
driving in front of trucks, over medicating on prescriptions and
pain killers. I had even starved myself down to 85 pounds. I felt
like I was dying inside. I would hide from him. I would hurt
myself by banging my head against the concrete wall in the
bedroom, trying to make the inside turmoil go away. I had
extremely horrible painful infections from the years of sexual
abuse. There was no treatment to help with it.
I started standing up for
myself at one point and I was knocked down for doing so. I was
doing it under my own power and I was failing. The more I tried to
do the 'right thing', the more he punished me. I couldn't win for
losing.
I finally left in 1999
and went into the mental hospital. Over time the court system
ended up letting my ex-husband have majority of the custody of our
kids. My ex is still very controlling, but, now he uses our kids.
I am estranged from my 17 year old daughter and her new born son.
I am still trying to do what I can for my son. We have a bond
between us. However, he is 14 and confused.
I remarried in 2003. It
is not the ideal marriage and family. I also allowed baggage from
the past to come into the present. There were so many different
types of lies that I had not yet dealt with. I pushed them aside
hoping it would go away. I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder which include anxiety and major depression. .
It got worse. I was now
married to a truck driver & raising his daughter pretty much on my
own. Her lying, manipulative behavior was more than I could bear
on my own. I received little help from my new husband. It just
kept getting worse. He made her
happiness a higher priority over mine (not good). My needs as a
wife and mother were not being met, and, I felt hurt, betrayed,
neglected, and at times like I didn't matter. I began shaking and
jerking on my left side due to the depression and the medications
I am taking. I wanted the pain to stop even if I had to die,
because I felt like I deserved Hell. I started over-medicating,
hurting myself, hiding and cutting myself. I was experiencing
emotions that were not reliable. This was not good for my
2nd marriage.
In April, I went on the
Internet to find a way to kill myself. I came across a Christian
website. They have helped me learn the truth about who I am in
Christ. I am overcoming the mental and emotional battles that have
attacked my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They have helped me
with my anger toward others and toward myself. I am more aware of
how I respond to the situations that seemed overwhelming at times.
I understand more about forgiving others and myself. Instead of
running from God, I can run to
Him. I don't have to be perfect and perform to please God. I don't
have to go to him ashamed or guilty of what has happened to me and
the things I have done. I am going to stumble from time to time. I
can raise up my head and hold out my hand for God's grace to pick
me up so I can carry on with my life without feeling like a
failure.
For many years I felt
like damaged goods. I am being restored. It is by the relationship
I have with God that is allowing this to happen. Situations and
circumstances are going to be there. I need to remember that I can
do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can't make
it on my own.
I am now in a church that provides help and support. The program
helped me find a church who can help me where I live. Fellowship
is very important in our lives. I am still learning to open up in
group at times. They are patient. However, I have had a hard kick
of reality at times to put things into prospective. No matter
what, I am accepted in the family of Christ.
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